Recently, I have been thinking. Am I happy? My days are affected by the roller coaster emotions of 2 2 years old toddlers and I find myself unable to be affected by them, being the adult. I don't do any work that challenge my mind unless you regard tackling a pile of laundry and dirty toilets mind challenging.
I like being a mom, a stay at home mom who get to spend quality time with my children, knowing exactly their likes and dislikes, their temperament, shares their ups and downs and most importantly, grow with them. However, I'm someone who can't stay home. I have never spent so much time at home. I like being out. I like to meet people. I like to be financially independent. And that's the part that makes me unhappy. With my 2 highly sensitive boys, it's very hard to find someone who I can leave them with. My mom has offered great support, unfortunately, my 2 toddlers reject their grandmother badly. They are very demanding, they want someone who can respond to them, who can talk to them, read to them, sing to them but my mom just like to cook for them. And with a doting grandparent, they create havoc with no discipline. My mom probably counts up to hundreds with her 1.2.3 with nothing happening by the count of 3. My boys happily count with her while doing things that are totally unacceptable. So, I'm pretty stuck with them with no space of my own, especially on some days when I desperately need it. That makes me unhappy.
I'm trying hard to find that balance but I think that might take another year. I believe the time will come when my toddlers start to gain some sense, with better self control. For now, I'm taking baby steps to make me happier, to be a better mom. I'm trying to make arrangements that allows me to go for meditation class once a month and I'm hoping to sign up for a piano class at a nearby music school. All these are only possible with a supportive husband and mother. Now, all I need is supportive children.
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